Where Are You, Christmas?

*Disclaimer* These are my true feelings about Christmas this year. My family might not want to read this, I don’t want to make anyone upset.

Yesterday, when I was in the passenger seat of the car driving home from downtown Los Angeles, I heard the song “Where Are You Christmas” play on the radio. I had been close to dozing off but woke up and became excited. Ever since I saw ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’ when I was younger, I have loved that song.

My excitement quickly turned to sadness, however, when I realized that the lyrics that were being sung, is exactly how I feel this year.

“Where are you Christmas? Why can’t I find you? The girl you used to know. My heart is changing, I’m rearranging. Does that mean Christmas changes too”

This is the first year since I’ve been alive that I have ever dreaded Christmas.

Sure, I’m excited about giving and receiving gifts. I’m excited for my Mom to bake Italian wedding cookies. I’m excited to visit my family and see friends. But I am not looking forward to Christmas itself. I am not looking forward to our holiday traditions. I am not looking forward to nostalgic Christmas movies about  love and Christmas magic and miracles and wishes come true.  I am not looking forward to coming out of the hallway on Christmas morning with my sisters and running out to hug my parents before we open our stockings. I am dreading Christmas because my Daddy wont be here.

He won’t be here to read the same book he reads us every Christmas Eve “Santa’s Twin”. He won’t be here asking us girls to put on a fashion show to show off our new Christmas Eve pajamas. He won’t be here for me to hug on Christmas morning as he tears up because he loves Christmas morning. He won’t be here to make that cheesy grin he makes as he opened up his Christmas stocking. He won’t be here to bug us about getting the right camera angle as make our yearly home video of us opening gifts. He won’t be here to watch his favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, over and over and over again. He just won’t be here.

Where are you Christmas
Why can’t I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can’t I hear music play
Sometimes I do get excited. Sometimes I think about a gift I might get and get happy. When I’m purchasing gifts for people, I look forward to giving it to them. A song will come on that I like. I’ll laugh at a joke I overhear in a Christmas movie that my sisters are watching. I look forward to my sisters faces when they open gifts on Christmas morning. I’m happy to go shopping, or get dressed up for winter, or sing carols with Mimi who is Christmas obsessed.
I love Christmas. It’s my favorite holiday. And not because of the presents, or the food,  or the lights, not really. It’s the feeling. I love it because it’s a whole day I get to spend with my family, where everyone is happy and full of love and together. It’s feeling close to God and Jesus. It’s being thankful for what I’ve been blessed with.
But now, I get nervous every time I think about Christmas morning. It just won’t be the same. I feel sick. I wish I could skip over the day. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I wish I wish….
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I’m not the same one
See what the time’s done
Is that why you have let me go
All I want for Christmas is my dad back. For one day. For one minute. For one hug. I would never ask for anything ever again.
Sorry if this sounds too “Bah Humbug!” or Grinch-ey or sad. I’m just trying to be honest because this is something that is happening in my life. Maybe next year will be better.
I need to stop writing before I break down and cry. Not today, Satan.
Love always,

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