*Disclaimer* These are my true feelings about Christmas this year. My family might not want to read this, I don’t want to make anyone upset.
Yesterday, when I was in the passenger seat of the car driving home from downtown Los Angeles, I heard the song “Where Are You Christmas” play on the radio. I had been close to dozing off but woke up and became excited. Ever since I saw ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’ when I was younger, I have loved that song.
My excitement quickly turned to sadness, however, when I realized that the lyrics that were being sung, is exactly how I feel this year.
“Where are you Christmas? Why can’t I find you? The girl you used to know. My heart is changing, I’m rearranging. Does that mean Christmas changes too”
This is the first year since I’ve been alive that I have ever dreaded Christmas.
Sure, I’m excited about giving and receiving gifts. I’m excited for my Mom to bake Italian wedding cookies. I’m excited to visit my family and see friends. But I am not looking forward to Christmas itself. I am not looking forward to our holiday traditions. I am not looking forward to nostalgic Christmas movies about love and Christmas magic and miracles and wishes come true. I am not looking forward to coming out of the hallway on Christmas morning with my sisters and running out to hug my parents before we open our stockings. I am dreading Christmas because my Daddy wont be here.
He won’t be here to read the same book he reads us every Christmas Eve “Santa’s Twin”. He won’t be here asking us girls to put on a fashion show to show off our new Christmas Eve pajamas. He won’t be here for me to hug on Christmas morning as he tears up because he loves Christmas morning. He won’t be here to make that cheesy grin he makes as he opened up his Christmas stocking. He won’t be here to bug us about getting the right camera angle as make our yearly home video of us opening gifts. He won’t be here to watch his favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, over and over and over again. He just won’t be here.
Where are you Christmas
Why can’t I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can’t I hear music play
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I’m not the same one
See what the time’s done
Is that why you have let me go